I am made up happy.

Everyday there are crossroads and dead ends. Much is left to personal choice how we are going to confront it. So far, a creature of habit that I am, I am going through the cycle of repeatedly making it and breaking it- much to my dilemma and joy (depending on my success rate! Hahaha) I decided this year I will up the ante. I will not hit that dead end and I will make it over that crossroad.

Many times, we tend to overdo multitasking and presume we are superwoman et al. I know I have. I guess you could call that midlife. At thirtyish, (yes thirtyish, who are we kidding denying this??), we are midlife the average life span of this living generation. On the other hand, it’s debatable to say whether it’s at crisis level. But definitely, it is at a point where you have to make positive happy orderly changes- or lose.

Truth be told, if we don’t make it easier on ourselves, it’s most likely because we’ve undertaken simply the complicated. When you finally find yourself carrying too much at a time, consider that you have reached boiling point. Decide to cool and simmer or blow your lid off. It is good to make conscious attempts (and re-attempts haaaaay!) to achieve a sense of wellbeing and order for self. I was telling my friend Kris that I’ve made a raw decision to try and piece my life together like a weave in one place- at least in writing to begin with. The multiples of places I find myself in make it difficult even for me to find my voice. After all, I am a composition of all parts and phases of my life- beginning at home, going through work, resting on recreation and founded on my spiritual beliefs- alongside all the people I have been blessed to encounter.

I am myself, a wife and a mom foremost, a daughter and a sister, a friend, both a colleague and a peer as a working executive in a man-infested industry at work, a makeup artist unwrapping her spontaneity and a happy bookseller at last. Most of all, I am bound by my trust in God’s divine mercy and love. Leave one out and that weave is incomplete. As it is, I’m already planning to take my usual tactical risks at texture and color to life.

Life, I realized for a time now, cannot always be planned. That’s why sometimes you have to manage to find yourself in places and put the picture together. That makes up your life. Everyday is a chance to contribute to our masterpiece. I believe submitting to a higher Divine order allows God to paint His details into our bare canvass. We are placed where we need to be and we can only appreciate the beauty of life, the color or the absence of color symbolically in as far as we allow Him to take the lead.

So there are indeed potholes and bumps on my road but I’m driving steady and avoiding road rage. Submitting in absolute trust, taming myself, discovering who I am in the process and how purposeful I could make my day to be for myself, my family and others- I finally see that I am indeed and from the very beginning born to embrace joy in everything. And thats exactly what I am made of. I am made up happy.

Knowing the difference

With health issues (like my previous post partum thyroid health alert, its symptoms and after effects) come unfortunately, some bouts of depression, anxiety and lack of focus. Sometimes, it plagues me if what I was feeling on occassion are just symptoms or an actual cause. It helps to process through things by exploring the root of these feelings. You feel you are empty even if you know you are full. You feel confused even if you have your mind set on things. Many days, it feels simple and uncomplicated yet it complicates things.

Through the last months, Ive learned that the body speaks to us. It complains in form of an illness or some symptom or a feeling. Soon after, it wears the years of abuse and misuse of our physical form. You eat too much...and finally one day your heart's too full. You kept sedentary, your muscles give up. We see it in our relatives, in old people - but it doesnt scare us enough to straighten up. We see the warning signs everyday but it doesnt slow us down. My father in law spoke of an episode in Grey's Anatomy where one of the patients stoutly affirmed "You're healthy til you're not!" How true this is and how ironic, isnt it?

We all get overly wrapped up in a number called age! Yet ironically, we dont heed the signs our body gives us because we deny ourselves the profits of ageing - which I'd like to call 'wisdom to know the difference'. We get older by the year, but we never get to see the difference just yet.

Many times in now knowing the difference, what has helped me through the days, would be the times where I am able to quiet my mind long enough to listen to myself. There are also days when the comfort of our loved ones, accompanied with small talk, laughter, the greeting of good friends, true friends- enliven us. Perhaps having a reason to live beyond ourselves - is something we should all embrace. That makes life feel essentially.... purposeful.

Of all things, I find that prayer has helped me the most! Prayer centers us. Prayer connect us. Prayer envelopes us in surrender. Prayer entrusts all our concerns to God. Sadly in my weakness, I have also failed in this aspect especially when all the rest of my life blindly consumes me. I seem to end up relegating it as a scheduled appointment with God. But although, it has proved to be a struggle, it is the struggling against our spiritual lows that count. And truly I can attest, despite failing in many attempts, God has never withheld his blessings on account of my stinginess in time.

Ive been told by a very wise friend that it is unwise to take care of the body if we do not pay attention to condition of our souls. Because in the end, like in a balance sheet, you end up losing if your accounts dont balance out.

It take a conscious effort to nurture ourselves and to love our souls. As much as we engage in physical activities to strengthen our bodies and our minds, our core strength banks on the health of our souls.

Of all truths we ought to acknowledge, a healthy body and a soul in God's grace, defies bodily proportion, physical limitations, and space.

Four dress sizes in a closet and only one me

I cant believe in the last 18 months, I have practically scaled from one to four dress sizes. My dear, its even possibly six if we count the 9th and 10th month of babyland. Thanks and no thanks to pregnancy which accounted for the 2 to 4 lbs gain every month in the early 10 months (thankfully, I averaged 2 pounds a month). And then there's the phenomenon called breastfeeding for the latter 8 months, which helped bring down the pounds but at the same time, kept you a little up the charts to keep the little one's supply ample. And then there was the thyroid thing, the weight loss accompanying it was 'fun' while it lasted although as the weight came back slowly, it was accompanied by a slow anguishing disdain for every pound that made a come back.

For the love of life, no one can understand why I keep four dress sizes in my closet. That empty box has waited for months to dispose of the ones that "dont fit now but will surely fit later"...and the ones that we thought of giving away "but ill probably need some day". And who would forget the clothes that I cant give up now because "im just in the plump cycle of the month".... Thinking this through, I believe I have yet to introduce you to my three oldest friends!

Security! You always need to find something to wear.... keep the basics, have the classics or what have you!

Society! You always need something to wear that's socially 'up there', or in my vocabulary - something that makes you feel good about yourself...never mind the trend! This friend is a little menacing because you know, after awhile, your set aside budget and plunge for the next best thing....

Sanity! Above all things, you need to wear something that fits! Something that carries you throughout the bloating, the binge-ing, the bleeping cycle of your womanhood and then back!
In the see saw of things, sanity is the one friend you want to keep in your closet. Yes, its so full of stuff you like (but do they like you back on that fitting day?). If that one piece doesnt fit! Bam! Worse than a bad hair day! So above all things, I keep the dress sizes that have been with me through it all- for my sanity.

Who can blame us women for having this friendship with clothes??? We keep them or do they keep us- perhaps that ought to be the real question....

Even if we know the answers - the logical answers, the right ones, we keep the excess anyway.

Its a whole process of thinking it through and realizing what would be left of us, without the clothes.

Yes, exactly four dress sizes and only one me. Id like to keep 'me'.

Mommy's a shapeshifter!

The real perils of thyroidism - be it hyper or hypo, is the potential to shift between the two! I call it the hyper-hypo-hippo phenomenon! Its the perfect hi and lo scenario! Its the perfect sanity crasher. One day youre thin! the next day youre not!

On a bright note, a very small note - I was happy with some weight loss. All my life, I was never really that fattest person in the room - but I was also never really the thin one. That puts me in between. So losing weight does matter - especially to my ego. Its a welcome morale booster. So yes! In a big way, the losing the weight part that came with the hyperthyroidism symptoms was welcome- sans the sweating, sans the jitters, sans the nervous wreck it turned me into. The down side to this is usually, when you get better, your eating and appetite doesnt necessarily switch off with it. Youre stuck with the cravings, youre stuck with the food escape you thought was the privilege that came with hyperthyroidism. In the end, you find yourself not exactly hypothyroidism (YET! as they say this is a usual end result for the unlucky patrons! sigh!!!!!!!!!) but plumper in an unhealthy bent out shape. Easily, you could rise to hippo proportions if you dont swig it off your system! Thats why more than the physical aspects of exercise, you have to teach your heart and train you will to 'manage' and deliberately love yourself to health.

These days, I feel like a shape shifter. Ive resumed my badminton activities and tried a little walking here and there to keep me at bay. I automatically felt better with it ! Yes! I highly recommend some form of physical activity!

Day by day, with a little bit more discipline and encouragement, who knows, I can finally be the shape that defies thryoid proportions. =) It cant be just wishful thinking.

I'm a happy book seller, finally !

Finally, I sold a few books online today. It was a great and wonderful blissful feeling. Such a small accomplishment but it felt grander than winning a debate. I am thankful to my husband for always sending me waves of encouragement. This has kept me standing strong. I am thankful to my two daughters, young as they are, for being sources of whimsical inspiration...I have always kept the child in me but getting to know the child in them brings me to an all time high. If there's ever such as thing as triple happiness, that would be it.

Looking back at how all this started and how it all restarted, it was a pretty long journey. Way back in college, I have always dreamed of having a bookstore. It was my romance with books, in a way. In fact when I told my friends about Pomatomom's Bookshop, they said "Finally, your dreams have come true!". Of course, not everyone knows why I suddenly had the nerve to jumpstart. After all, it has long been relegated to a wishlist for more than ten years. The answer to that is simply this- I had to be shaken to awaken.

For the longest time, I have kept a list of the lives I wish I had, the lives I wanted to live, even part time. For the longest time, I have kept a list of 50 things I wanted to do before I go to heaven (didnt want to say die, because that was too limiting...lol). For the longest time, I have kept a list, a long list of things I was grateful for. I kept them for year because I wanted to remember long after my memory bleeps on me. But why now? Was it the thyroid scare? I suppose it accounted for a great chunk even though looking back it didnt seem as threatening. Yes I had a moment! I thought if not now? then when? And if I wanted to see my children grow to be the best people they could be, shouldnt the lessons come from someone who had their own journey towards fulfillment ? Shouldnt it come from someone who had their share of trying, failing and picking things up again? The answer is not absolute. I could be wrong too. But at that precise moment, I am reminded of a lesson I learned halfway through my life. I cant give them what I dont have.

The good that comes from what you thought was (*@&#(*@^!

The hyperthyroid thingy gave me a real scare. The end result? I am now living out a life long dream. Ain't that a gift ?

Celebrate it with me!
Visit http://pomatomom.multiply.com
You're not obligated to buy anything.
To enjoy it with me is enough.

I feel funny

I feel funny because I dont think anyone's reading this. I am writing for myself. For my sanity.
Then again, many out there are filling the same shoes.

You're not alone- even if you can't hear me.